memory...

Memory is a wonderful thing...if u don't have to deal with the past...

Sam was a quiet reserved man...Lost in his reverie most of the time...He rarely talked about himself or about others. He had the habit of smoking in bed and fantasizing about a life he had never had. 4 years ago the love of his life died on a freak plane accident everyone else survived except her and maybe Sam as well..

"...and now... here i am. a lost soul looking over his dead love's tombstone alone in the cemetery with the cats, bats and rats...

marion... i dont know if you can hear me but i'll speak despite...i used to romanticize things so much, yet now I'm only happy when I'm truly alone...Its seems better then to be with someone and still feel lonely, i hate the idea that i appear numb, numb to the point where i don't sense pain or excitement i feel stagnant. its just like when you loose the tactile sense in your legs or your arms but you still use them because you have to walk or carry things around, but you don't come across the warmth of touch anymore or the pain of heat. Even if you're holding out your arm to an open flame you don't take it out because you're not aware of the pain. I know, I just had too many mundane relationships and there wasn't really any conscious perception of connection. I got so drawn to the idea of what we had possessed, it might have not been the person specifically, but the idea, the feeling that i had when i was with you...

I think i look too much on the details...the details are what draw me to people, certain quirks that had never really left me. The deep breath in your sleep and whenever i hear someone with it,memory draws me back to the time when I had you. Then I wake up...wake up beside someone different who made the similar deep breath and then I am alone...Alone again because its not you.. And it doesn't make me miss you more, it makes me angry, angry that i can never have that feeling back. a feeling that you stole from me... a feeling we had together and its all vanished, wasted, gone... that imaginary piano you play on my arm each time you stare in to space and hear the music in your mind. I felt that music so much even I started to hear it too...that music had faded away now you brought it with you, and all you left me are the soft touches of your fingertips that i still feel in my arm after all these years.

And its just that! just that... from time to time I'm reminded that i had this starry eyed notion of love! a romanticized picture of how my life was going to be and i truly believed in it you made me believe in it. but You have taken that too away from me... i don't believe in love anymore as much as i used to or maybe we just all grow out of it when the time comes, or maybe you were the one that slapped me into reality a slap in the face... I don't feel what i felt before... i hate people now and it was you who introduced me to the world that I live in today. I reckon i had put all that love I had to offer in a lifetime into those years and i will never feel all these again. I had lived my life in that moment in time and its forever gone..

I always have these dreams of you since you left a month hasn't gone by without a dream of you... and still after all these years these dreams of you torment me plague my very being. it is of us in this garage this old 1920's garage with a vintage cadillac and your leaning off of the bumper in your jeans and baby tees endlessly narrating your life... the look of joy in your face some times sorrow tho often in remorse then i want to touch you badly to hold you close to me but I know I cant and I don't. I just stand there on the cobble stone pavers and stare at you longingly and thats enough for me. I wake up in cold sweat still longing for you even if only for that moment. in dreams emotions are overwhelming and in that point where in you know your dreaming and your still halfway in the dream that you believe to be true,those are the worst, there are times that I hope I'm just in that state as long as i can hold on, as long as i can bear not to be pulled away from it, then I wake up in this world and people around me suffer, they suffer my apathy, my loss of my emotion, a cold shell that they only have the ability to stare at but never touch for fear of getting hurt. an abrasive nature that you helped create when you left.

You can never really replace anyone... I have long envied the resiliency of people who move forward to be with one then change to another like they change their slippers. in fact i think its more intimate for them to change their underwear than to replace someone.. I had never had that with you. i could never achieve the freedom that comes with forgetting. i am cursed to keep the details. i am bound to keep you and its destroying me from within.

In a way i guess I'm talking to you and sending off my voice into nowhere. it will never reach you. Somehow, i guess I'm talking just for my self and how i realize that its never going to change and I'm never going to meet you again.."

Sam walks the graveyard alone... he heads home, lights his cigarette and lies on his bed... wondering about a life he never had....