a life with pale shades of white... of dreams darker than black...

Friday, 17 April 2009

The Raven





 

Edgar Allan Poe

[First published in 1845]

horizontal spaceOnce upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - 
is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

-one of my most favoriet poems!

i'm so lonesome i could die...

memory...

Memory is a wonderful thing...if u don't have to deal with the past...


Sam was a quiet reserved man...Lost in his reverie most of the time...He rarely talked about himself or about others. He had the habit of smoking in bed and fantasizing about a life he had never had. 4 years ago the love of his life died on a freak plane accident everyone else survived except her and maybe Sam as well..


"...and now... here i am. a lost soul looking over his dead love's tombstone alone in the cemetery with the cats, bats and rats...


marion... i dont know if you can hear me but i'll speak despite...i used to romanticize things so much, yet now I'm only happy when I'm truly alone...Its seems better then to be with someone and still feel lonely, i hate the idea that i appear numb, numb to the point where i don't sense pain or excitement i feel stagnant. its just like when you loose the tactile sense in your legs or your arms but you still use them because you have to walk or carry things around, but you don't come across the warmth of touch anymore or the pain of heat. Even if you're holding out your arm to an open flame you don't take it out because you're not aware of the pain. I know, I just had too many mundane relationships and there wasn't really any conscious perception of connection. I got so drawn to the idea of what we had possessed, it might have not been the person specifically, but the idea, the feeling that i had when i was with you...


I think i look too much on the details...the details are what draw me to people, certain quirks that had never really left me. The deep breath in your sleep and whenever i hear someone with it,memory draws me back to the time when I had you. Then I wake up...wake up beside someone different who made the similar deep breath and then I am alone...Alone again because its not you.. And it doesn't make me miss you more, it makes me angry, angry that i can never have that feeling back. a feeling that you stole from me... a feeling we had together and its all vanished, wasted, gone... that imaginary piano you play on my arm each time you stare in to space and hear the music in your mind. I felt that music so much even I started to hear it too...that music had faded away now you brought it with you, and all you left me are the soft touches of your fingertips that i still feel in my arm after all these years.


And its just that! just that... from time to time I'm reminded that i had this starry eyed notion of love! a romanticized picture of how my life was going to be and i truly believed in it you made me believe in it. but You have taken that too away from me... i don't believe in love anymore as much as i used to or maybe we just all grow out of it when the time comes, or maybe you were the one that slapped me into reality a slap in the face... I don't feel what i felt before... i hate people now and it was you who introduced me to the world that I live in today. I reckon i had put all that love I had to offer in a lifetime into those years and i will never feel all these again. I had lived my life in that moment in time and its forever gone..


I always have these dreams of you since you left a month hasn't gone by without a dream of you... and still after all these years these dreams of you torment me plague my very being. it is of us in this garage this old 1920's garage with a vintage cadillac and your leaning off of the bumper in your jeans and baby tees endlessly narrating your life... the look of joy in your face some times sorrow tho often in remorse then i want to touch you badly to hold you close to me but I know I cant and I don't. I just stand there on the cobble stone pavers and stare at you longingly and thats enough for me. I wake up in cold sweat still longing for you even if only for that moment. in dreams emotions are overwhelming and in that point where in you know your dreaming and your still halfway in the dream that you believe to be true,those are the worst, there are times that I hope I'm just in that state as long as i can hold on, as long as i can bear not to be pulled away from it, then I wake up in this world and people around me suffer, they suffer my apathy, my loss of my emotion, a cold shell that they only have the ability to stare at but never touch for fear of getting hurt. an abrasive nature that you helped create when you left.


You can never really replace anyone... I have long envied the resiliency of people who move forward to be with one then change to another like they change their slippers. in fact i think its more intimate for them to change their underwear than to replace someone.. I had never had that with you. i could never achieve the freedom that comes with forgetting. i am cursed to keep the details. i am bound to keep you and its destroying me from within.


In a way i guess I'm talking to you and sending off my voice into nowhere. it will never reach you. Somehow, i guess I'm talking just for my self and how i realize that its never going to change and I'm never going to meet you again.."


Sam walks the graveyard alone... he heads home, lights his cigarette and lies on his bed... wondering about a life he never had....

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

you really got a hold on me...



Tho Audrey Hepburn will always hold the biggest place in my heart... here is a top contender for her place.. Zooey Dechanel! she plays in movies that have a very 60's vive to them.. she played the sister in almost famous, a very very individualistic corky  rocker in yes man and has an album out called "he and she"...where she sings these lovely vintage songs... i may soon be seeing my self head over hills on this adorable lovely lady...

do check out her links...



Friday, 3 April 2009

on elementary love, and rudimentary life...

i have seen LIFE trough broken glass and clear sparkles...
i have felt longing  and warmth trough tattered rags and linen cloth...
pain is but a shallow cover up, an infinite loop of swirls and tumbles...
comparable to a surfing wipe-out you are a tumbling doll under the water lost, swirling, not knowing which way is up nor down... yet you stay a float banging in to the crashing waves. the current puling you deeper and deeper till all you have is loaned air. you realize how important it is to breathe. how miniscule you are on the depths of the flowing seas. 

i have felt LOVE trough sunbeams and shadows, trough pink foam spectacles...
i have manage to be a ghost of my generation  being born at the wrong time, i am here, yet living on the edges of my soul... love is but a figment of your imagination, yet we chase for it like a monumental child in all its glory and awe. Ironies that we can never resolve, a conundrum of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that we are willing to take around our necks and tie to the nearest tree to dangle upon. The grip of the rope and the burn of the lariat taunt on your skin. That being so, the thug of finality before the concluding crack turns in to your refuge! and slowly you learn to accept the tunneling vision. utill a darker shade of black is all you see and you come to the realization that hope is lost you beckon to it, you follow it trough... it shall be easier that way....

and just like a butterfly on a summers eve you appear my elementary and rudimentary salvation.